alright he has book out , was suppose to meet me for dinner .Waited but it was futile , i told him not come anymore.Since he only wanted to come when he has the car when the time is already 9.15pm.From today till his next book in i don't expect him to call me , he's occupied and busy and i am not needed to fill up his lonely time like when he is inside.Thats something i proved myself right after so long .There's nothing i can do , and i just feel like nothing .

Grace , tell yourself someone will come no matter what the situation is if he really feels like coming.Only if he really feels like seeing me .Thats it blog.I am tired ,tomorrow opening have to get up at 5am ,shut your phone and go to sleep don't let radiation kill you.


I've seen this place a thousand times
I've felt this all before
And every time you call
I've waited there as though you might not call at all


wheezy wednesday


Now waiting for Rui Ming 's group to start , today basic science damn hard and boring,hope today can get B but don't think can sigh.Anyway today class quite fun la ,at least i felt entertained :D Took picture with Rebecca and Zoe .Been kind of mischievous today and thanks for the following people for spamming my tagboard .Very sleepy , today i declared free from work :) He's booking out later because tomorrow is Labour day :) i am still deciding whether to go for kevin's class outing or our own one for tomorrow.
I just realised more than half of the class is not concentrating , some on friendster for eg zoe hahas , ai ming and ying xuan enjoying videos on youtube including me laughing at some japanese variety shows.

stop cramping dear stomach .



Bear bear is so cute with the safety belt :D while he is driving.

Sun burn your day
The sun was burning today ,went to play basketball with georgina and kelvin's friends at Cheng San CC.He joined us too , i hoped he did enjoyed the friendly match .At first i feared that something bad will happen because i know kelvin's friends do not like him so i wasn't into calling him along .Anyway he was suppose to meet his friends for gym thats why i went to find other activities to do.I guess thats just him ,when he has nothing to do last minute he would come look for me .
Maybe it hurts just to think about that but maybe i should be happy that he actually bothered to find me .

Take a Deep breath...

Took a nap at his house after which we did not manage to watch the three kingdoms ,Ps i love you book is definitely gathering dust, the pig was not yet fed.Everything we were supposed to do , were all spent to satisfy his tv watching addiction.After which his dad send him back to camp and sent me home on the way.Thats every sunday ..

Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
If you could see

I just came back from plate collecting ,met up with him earlier on.Went over to his house ,watched the Date movie together.My laptop was at his house and he was so engross in playing maple that i had to repeat our conversation over and over again in order to get his attention .That was when i thought about the laptop for him , i really think i will be creating a regret for myself.

I saw him falling asleep.I was really tired and exhausted yesterday .The result is waking up at 9 when i should be waking up at 5.15am .With my back aches with my unwell body ,i send boss a message whether i can be on MC.Thank God he agreed , although i was dissapointed that i couldn't make it to work, seem irresponsible.It was the first time i was so tired that i din't even hear any alarm.I think i only have one word for myself ,overworked.

There was only this guy and me .I had to carry the container which weigh tonnes!!I scalded my middle finger while taking a drink for myself :( imagine the whole fonger turned red.To say the truth i wasn't in the right mood to work ,i just stared into space ,yet i dont know what was on my mind.My whole brain was like so empty but so not. I know i saw images ,questions and answers ,i think he was on my mind constantly , i thought about present ,past and future.But nothing is helping me feel better .
Singtel roadshow

I went over to Pasir Ris chalet yesterday ,got a little tanner cause we went swimming actually maybe you could say we went soaking.Hahas ,there were Cl,Benson ,Bunny and Xiao yan .After Emily came over we started drinking,i got a little too tipsy after i drank few cups of on the rock.I always get tipsy thinking about him.I think i drank a little too fast ,and the kick just came.I think alcohol makes a good lullaby for me .

After my kick went off , we played majong and yes i was cheated by Emily and Benson.Like a noob , within 20 mins i lost 10 bucks.I don't remember earning so much in an hour :( but nvm once in awhile its ok.

Oh yes and i just came back from the Singtel roadshow.Its damn tiring :( my veins are popping out.Luckily i was tag with Rebecca or else i don't think time will pass as fast .I sacrificed the time that i should be spending with him working today , miss him but i think i ought to do it sometimes to know whether he even give a damn at times.But in the end sometimes i think i am the only one that feel regrets for not spending time together with him .

nvm , i need a good rest tonight for tomorrow lesson , Sigh .I wish i would master visual basics in no time.
Friday over.

It's another tiring day in school,while miss fwa was blabbering i can't help but face the screen and close my eyes.She makes me rather sleepy,I think nobody likes her. Today everyone wore black i think the faci notice but she din't say anything .Anyway i feel bad for joining the fun especially when we took the class photo.But nvm , i don't think we will be doing that next week or weeks to come.

Did i say i finally got an A for daily grade,and it was for science module.I can't believe man ,anyway just hope lesser C for my grades to come :)

Was supposed to work for the Singtel roadshow tomorrow and Sunday but i decided to give it a miss and go for chalet tomorrow .I shall work on Sunday.Anyone going to Orchard on Sunday remember to pay me a visit.

Today i only earn $30 .Ice cream sales weren't that high for these few days.Hope next week 's one will be better .I going off to sleep.

Nights all.
killing me softly

These few day ,I have been trying to brainwash all the things that i saw and repeating it to myself to forget. It has been bad of me .These few days i have been trying to avoid even replying to his sms.I know that its unfair to him because he knows nothing about me getting upset.I have been giving him the cold shoulder ever since and i want to really keep away from him.But as much as i want to tell myself it was just a bad dream , i hope i can get over it.

Today i caught up with georgina ,we went to sing K Box.Then she bought an Armani handphone strap for $155.She's really rich nowadays .Her whole body is covered with branded stuffs.Hahas.Gosh i would not spent such an amount on a strap.While shopping around ,I remembered the strap that he asked me to lookout for some time back.The one that he wanted to get for her initially for her birthday.My heart ache again.

I just had dinner again , and my parents warned me about eating dinner so late , they tell me about stomach cancer and not letting my stomach have a chance to rest .I have set a reminder for myself not to eat after 10pm.I hope i don't forget to do that tomorrow.

Everywhere i go;stuck in my mind
I wish i could *




This bottle of coke that i drink makes me have the urge to go to the toilet.But now presentation kind of lazy to move.Today is same like last week , equally boring and as usual always seem to be trying to finish up the presentation even after the last minute.

Alright zoe yak also Giantyak , sorry that i din't blog ok.Too busy ,i better blog down what silly stuffs we did two days back when we actually have the cuture lesson.I wondered how come we cannot communicate through msn hahas must we really use the communicator or my TAGBOARD! Zoe said something about cyclops though i forgotten how we actually get there , and i was thinking of the one eye monster while Zoe on the other hand was actually thinking of cyclops from the X-men. And it was really LOL , lets see about the daily grade for Tuesday if i don't get a C it would be a real question mark.Oh ya anyway i think i would join cheerleading as my interest group :)

..............

ok i actually i din't have time to finish up my post thats why i am still here with more things to add.I just had my dinner and i never expect myself to have dinner at 12 midnight.Today my sales weren't that good only earn $27.50 but at least better then yesterday ,i called up the ezlink card office already i need to get my student card before 12 May or i will never get my card back again.

Another message from you something i don't think i want to see now.When you told me you will be going to Sentosa with Jasper and friends on Saturday.Actually you really proved to me that i was wrong to believe all this while then you weren't just lazy to go out .It's actually who you really want to go out with and everything else are just your excuses.I should'nt have believe the words you say at all because everything is getting back at me and i really hope i can still be strong.

I need to sleep now i think a bit of milk will do me good .
12.47am

I can fool the world but i cannot fool myself

101 post

Just staring at my laptop screen just makes me want to cry.

School didn't get me anywhere it didn't help me to get better or occupied at all.That got me into trouble,caught by the security guard and receiving an offence letter.One can of Red bull trying to wash my hands with it,it did help getting rid of it but end of the day the DM was on MC.To be exact i think i wasted my time and my life ever since i passed my 15th birthday.I did things that i shouldn't have, i indulged in things that wasn't doing any good to me.Just because i am so regularly affected by the affairs of my heart,i think i am such an airhead now.

The injuries i had through working , my upper thigh burnt by dry ice, getting blue black all over my knuckles for knocking too hard at the doors.Blue black on my palm.Ahhs i am havign so many scars.I am eager for the day that i can actually take a break .I think i need a vacation.

Anyway i din't went to work today , even if i did i don't think i was in the best of mood to be smiling while getting doors slam at me or unanswered.I went down to DR8 with Tracy and Cl.I drank beer although it makes me bloated and i hate it because it makes me giddy and sleepy.I wasn't in the mood to sing today ,only listened to songs.
I had not eat anything for the whole day except drink a packet of soybean and grassjelly drink.I think i feel hungry for tomorrow already.

If you are reading this Azlan,thanks for the tags and what you told me just now,I am really touched :)


Alright goood night.
baby don't you break my heart slow*


Just this morning when i came over ,i was feeling so much better.When we actually went to downtown east for sushi ,played dota at elias mall and hang around for a while at the fitness corner .Cheering for you to jump over 215cm for the SBJ...

When i thought everything is better ,that macdonald notebook is all i need to stumble upon on your living room table.It must be for the matches that you gamble on.Other then your scribbles of scores of the soccer matches ,i saw something which made me really speechless.After asking his mum how to pronounce the three characters and telling me it was Jessica's chinese name.I flipped through the pages , almost every page that has the scores, had her name and some page me,hers and yours.It really took me back to 2 years back when you told me how you actually told me about how you felt about me.It really kept me thinking otherwise now.

I really don't know which way to think ,it really contradicts the post from yesterday.Is this trying to prove me wrong ?I don't think i can continue to act just the opposite anymore,there's no point in lying to myself or keeping his sweet nothings like they were real.At least now i can say she has never left his heart since 2 and a half year ago.Or maybe she was the one that is mentally attached in his memory but i am just playing the physical part.

When your dad drove you back to camp ,those funny faces you made.It really trapped me especially when a actually lip read the three words that came out of your mouth.I cannot and don't know what am i now.Are you lying to yourself or me now?

It is really so hard to believe i am actually having such a cheerful tone while talking over to you on the phone.I cannot even believe that i ain't confronting you.I really just feel like screaming into my pillow now and have a good cry and wake up.

I can be torn but not over and over again.
I really need another body to breathe in now,i am going to suffocate in my current state any sooner.


I like the way you wanted me
Every night for so long baby
I like the way you needed me
Every time things got rocky

I was believing in you
Am I mistaken do you say,
Do you say what you mean
I want our love to last forever

(chorus)

But Id rather you be mean than love and lie
Id rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
Id rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby dont you break my heart slow

I like the way youd hold me
Every night for so long baby
And I like the way youd say my name
In the middle of the night
While you were sleeping

I was believing in you
Was I mistaken
Do you mean, mean what you say
When you say our love could last forever

(chorus)

Well Id rather you be mean than love and lie
Id rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
Id rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby dont you break my heart slow

(bridge)
Youe would run around and lead me on forever
While I wait at home thinking that were together
I wanted our love to last forever

(chorus)

Well Id rather you be mean than love and lie
Id rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
Id rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby dont you break my heart slow
It the fourth day of the week already ,now currently having cognitive process presentation today i am looking forward to weekends :) work another 3 days and i can see him already.
Another day*

I feel really down today. I guess i am really worn out.It isn't just about the physical part working and working but actually mentally too.I reasoned with myself on what i had done all these while.Why am i so scared of losing you?

Why am i constantly thinking of all the ways to hold this relationship?So afraid to make any wrong steps?Shouldn't i just be enjoying life a bit more then put him as the world to me?Is it really worth ?From what my friends commented on, i am just silly or maybe i am naive.But for now ,i say yes because i guess i really do love him and it makes me happy when he is happy .I have thought for really long yesterday,i know myself and how many times i feel ,seen and wipe away my own tears from my cheek.How many times i build up my self esteem just to let it break me down again.

I think i miss you and i wanna see you even if it means ending work early yesterday but you chose to play basketball with Darren.I made up a reason for you that maybe the journey from your camp was too far from where i was and you wouldn't get back in time.Or maybe because you din't meet him for rather long thats why you wanted to play basketball.Then today you told me you will be working for Daniel tomorrow at Expo.It just doesn't seem right anymore.When i used to ask you whether you want to work at grassroot club with me ,you actually replied no.That you don't want to work and just want to be able to enjoy.I guess i made up tonnes of excuses for you all the time so that i won't feel sad.I don't see anything wrong in you meeting with your friends but i can feel that there is bits and pieces of neglects shown.I hope it just wasn't that but you keep proving my heart that it is.

How many times i actually change my schedule over and over again because of your last minute plans ranging from having extra duties to actually meeting your friends so that i am always just like a slot when needed.Am i having a one sided happiness this way or are you equally happy? I don't want to calculate if you were just as equally happy , i don't mind but are you ?

I don't even want to reply now , i think i need a break for awhile.The reason i don't want to fuss over in the past had actually led me back to it.Not wanting you to feel stressed or demoralized can only be done by putting myself into it.Because someone have to step into it and I think i am too willing.Maybe i did not give you any chances to show because i was to enthusiastic.

I know certain things that i have and will regret. I really feel the haul of working and working.While maintaining for the laptop, i am really scared of not having enough money in the bank for monthly deduction.I am really tired there's no point typing so much here i guess.

please be strong.
Ahhs today is my first day of school ,sigh why must i start school earlier than others.This is so not fair!Now i am in Li Tin's classroom having break again, so many times a day i just came back from break at 11 and then at 12 it's time for break again. I wonder how much time in school do i really get to do better things.

Did i say i was late for the first day , but it isn't my fault ok ,there's some sort of train disruption thats why i got 0.5 points deducted from my daily grade. Good man.If i need to leave home at 8 tomorrow i will force myself too .

To say the truth , i feel rather disappointed that he couldn't send me to work because he said he will.But maybe he was just lazy or maybe his mum needed the to drive the car to work.I refuse to believe that it's just mere remarks.

Alright i think i better go get something or i sure get hungry later .
Wacky

let me see when i shall post the pictures.

Lets start with yesterday since i did not blog after i came home from DR8.Yesterday was super tiring,went to attend Cl,tracy and nick's UAP graduation at Novotel.The refreshment were yummy , custard puffs ,doughnuts all types of pastries.Name it,my favourites man i love them all :) i stood just right beside the refreshment area until i had my stomach completely filled.Hahas, and my hands took four balloons and dragged them along to DR8.I really had a good time,playing dices with them especially when we ganged up to trick Xiao Yan :D i admit that was a little mean seeing her drink from sips to glasses.But never mind , i think she knew we all did it on purpose but she played along too.Thats what make things fun.Too bad i couldn't stay longer,baby din't join us because he booked out late and he had no car to drive down.Alright and i left my balloons right there in DR8 :( sob*

And for today ,baby was suppose to pick me up at 8am but he went back to sleep right after i called him .He told me his bro drove the car off already so i had to travel to his house with my laptop.I told myself not to get angry even if he did not inform me earlier because i really find it very tiring in every way.And yes and i did it,i managed by not blowing up all the way to your house and through it all.

Baby spent most of the time helping himself download songs for his mp3 while i lie on the bed trying to get some sleep.I like that feeling ,so peaceful in your arms.

Maybe it's hard to satisfy me but sure it isn't hard to keep me from getting upset.
I went down to RP again today with Jonathan to pay my school fees and had my student card photo taken.I hope i don't look horrendous like that of my IC.Every station that i visited requires me to show my IC and i found myself staring at the person holding the card to make sure they don't have a chance to see it at all.I guess i must have look like a vain pot having seen Jonathan's constant snick-er-ing.

Anyway i brought my laptop to the IT DESK and then did i know that the password that nobody could solve at first even me, was my very own user password .All about it was that it was cut short a few character.There goes my 1 day old laptop :( sitting on the table waiting for the IT man to recover it.With one pair of hands moving around ,you don't need him to even say he was busy.His hands skip from one laptop to another,all those in need of help .That made me wait from 10 to 4 ,i don't know how long reformatting takes but this is definitely long ,and best thing is the problem is still there.The password prompt thing keeps reappearing everytime i switch on my laptop.I just hope in the long run nothing happens.

Oh ya and i purchase another laptop through hire purchase already :) although it's more expensive then paying the full amount at least i have 2 years to pay it off.Now i don't have to worry about not having enough money to get a laptop for you.The only thing that is a problem now is for that an amount of 30 bucks for application fee left my account with $1.57.I even had to give Jonathan 5 dollars so that he could transfer money into my account and then i would have enough money to make the payment .Had to go one big round.I am so broke now , i hope my pay come in very soon.

After which i went to meet up with my peeps , it's good to see them again we went to Chomp Chomp :) well it's really yummy and i think the most memorable part of photo taking is when we got i forgot who to take pictures of si min and me while we were crossing the Zebra crossing.We were so lame man , and i could sense a bit of irritant in the driver.I am so tired got to sleep now ,tomorrow's orientation.I think i have to drag myself there.

Good night.