Another day*

I feel really down today. I guess i am really worn out.It isn't just about the physical part working and working but actually mentally too.I reasoned with myself on what i had done all these while.Why am i so scared of losing you?

Why am i constantly thinking of all the ways to hold this relationship?So afraid to make any wrong steps?Shouldn't i just be enjoying life a bit more then put him as the world to me?Is it really worth ?From what my friends commented on, i am just silly or maybe i am naive.But for now ,i say yes because i guess i really do love him and it makes me happy when he is happy .I have thought for really long yesterday,i know myself and how many times i feel ,seen and wipe away my own tears from my cheek.How many times i build up my self esteem just to let it break me down again.

I think i miss you and i wanna see you even if it means ending work early yesterday but you chose to play basketball with Darren.I made up a reason for you that maybe the journey from your camp was too far from where i was and you wouldn't get back in time.Or maybe because you din't meet him for rather long thats why you wanted to play basketball.Then today you told me you will be working for Daniel tomorrow at Expo.It just doesn't seem right anymore.When i used to ask you whether you want to work at grassroot club with me ,you actually replied no.That you don't want to work and just want to be able to enjoy.I guess i made up tonnes of excuses for you all the time so that i won't feel sad.I don't see anything wrong in you meeting with your friends but i can feel that there is bits and pieces of neglects shown.I hope it just wasn't that but you keep proving my heart that it is.

How many times i actually change my schedule over and over again because of your last minute plans ranging from having extra duties to actually meeting your friends so that i am always just like a slot when needed.Am i having a one sided happiness this way or are you equally happy? I don't want to calculate if you were just as equally happy , i don't mind but are you ?

I don't even want to reply now , i think i need a break for awhile.The reason i don't want to fuss over in the past had actually led me back to it.Not wanting you to feel stressed or demoralized can only be done by putting myself into it.Because someone have to step into it and I think i am too willing.Maybe i did not give you any chances to show because i was to enthusiastic.

I know certain things that i have and will regret. I really feel the haul of working and working.While maintaining for the laptop, i am really scared of not having enough money in the bank for monthly deduction.I am really tired there's no point typing so much here i guess.

please be strong.